All Is Not LOST

A former actor and the wife of a TV star confronts deep-rooted feelings of failure during a stay in Hawaii in this debut memoir. Raised in the 1970s in Sydney, Australia, Carbonell was 12 years old when she first wrote the words "Shannon Kenny will be a famous actress," using her mother's red nail polish. In 2010, she found herself accompanying her husband, Nestor, an actor and a series regular on the TV drama Lost, to a red-carpet event. She recalls feeling "fat and ugly" and regarding Evangeline Lilly with jealously because she "looked just like I'd always wanted to look" and was adored as "a famous actress." Although Carbonell enjoyed limited small screen success as an actor--she was a regular on The Invisible Man, with guest appearances on shows such as Seinfeld--she quit the profession in favor of motherhood. The author began to resent her husband's success, feeling she had "lost a two-person race." After moving to Hawaii for a year because of Nestor's Lost gig, she began to face up to the feeling that something was missing inside of her. Her journey through depression to self-acceptance involved nurturing her creativity and developing her relationship with God. Carbonell writes with an intense level of intimacy, allowing readers to eavesdrop on bitter family arguments. One disagreement with her father culminated in him yelling: "What have you ever done with your life?" The hurt inflicted by this remark is palpable, but the author is also able to envisage the bigger picture: "He seems happier when his life has some sparkle around the edges. I was so sorry I wasn't able to give him that." Carbonell's use of similes can be idiosyncratic (The peaks "are silhouetted in the dusk like a Wacky Wire carnival game"), which could prove mildly irritating for some. Comparisons between her own life and the script of Lost also feel forced and unnecessary: "I had to 'go back, ' like the characters on LOST--back to my original self." The author is nonetheless refreshingly frank, calling out the realities of show business: "Almost nobody in Hollywood finds a woman fuckable at forty." Both forthright and tenderly considerate, this book will be of interest to Lost fans but also to those who feel that their journeys have not lived up to their expectations. Courageous writing with minor flaws in an emotionally illuminating account.

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