The Not Good Enough Mother

May 1, 2019
A psychologist often hired as an expert witness to judge the suitability of other mothers develops doubt about her own mothering. As the person who is often put in the position of deciding whether a child should remain in a foster home, be placed for adoption, or returned to their birth parents, Lamb (Counseling Psychology/Univ. of Massachusetts Boston; Sex Ed for Caring Schools, 2013, etc.) has long recognized that such decisions aren't as black-and-white as courts would like them to be. So many of the parents have had issues with addiction, and the author knows well that relapse is usually part of recovery and that lying is a frequent character trait that further confuses the issue. Her understanding of addiction has been deepened by her own experience as the mother of an addict whose deception long fooled her, whose recovery has been punctuated by relapse, and who has left her feeling guilty about whether she is a good enough mother. "Why didn't I just take over his life then and there, put him on one of those toddler leashes I used to look at with disgust?" she asks after her son suffered another life-threatening relapse. "The average number of relapses for opiate abusers," she writes, "is seven to nine, and...it takes a while to get clean and stay clean." Ultimately, she asks, "is it the pattern of standard recovery or of repeated failure?" While lawyers hire her to determine what's best for the child in a given situation, she knows from her own experience that there is only so much anyone can predict or control. She has learned from Alcoholics Anonymous that the best strategy is to "keep your boundaries high, your expectations low, and your heart open." It is advice she tries to follow in mothering her recovering son, and she maintains an open-hearted compassion toward mothers battling similar addictions. At the same time, she shows just how tough some decisions can be when lives are on the line. In a concise book, Lamb ably demonstrates the challenges and pitfalls of passing judgment in such an imperfect world.

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Starred review from May 1, 2019
Lamb is a child psychologist whose work involves evaluating relationships between parents and their children and often requires making life-changing recommendations regarding custody. In this memoir, she states early on that although her expert testimony has never been questioned by a judge, she questions herself all the time. She shares cases that demonstrate how she depends on multiple evaluative methods? psychological testing, case histories, interviews, direct observation?before coming to conclusions, and she writes movingly of the pain involved when the welfare of a child comes into conflict with a parent's or child's wishes, and how she searches for suitable solutions. When she discovers that her own son is struggling with opioid addiction, she is understandably shocked. Her family begins the nightmarish cycle of rehab and relapse, and she starts questioning every parenting move she's ever made. The writing is engaging, and Lamb's professionalism is evident, but what mostly shines through is her empathy, sympathy, and deep concern for her clients, both children and adults. Unfortunately, her story, like many regarding the termination of parental rights, does not have a happy ending. This honest look at how society judges parents, mothers in particular, deserves a wide audience.(Reprinted with permission of Booklist, copyright 2019, American Library Association.)