Pieces of My Mother

February 23, 2015
An undercurrent of unresolved hurt and anger runs through this affecting and deeply restrained narrative of a mother’s abandonment of her children. San Francisco bookseller Cistaro alternates between 2003, when the author, the mother of two small children in L.A., was summoned suddenly over Christmas to her dying mother’s rural home in Olympia, and the 1970s, when Cistaro and her two brothers were growing up in the care of their overburdened father. Cistaro was four when her hard-drinking, chain-smoking mother took off from their San Jose duplex in her baby-blue Dodge Dart to “take a break” from the responsibilities of her vivacious sons and daughter. Subsequently, the children rarely saw their mother, who lived from one boyfriend to the next, working occasionally as a cocktail hostess. They blamed themselves for making her leave, and while the boys spiraled into drug and alcohol abuse, the author became the “good girl” who never begged or made a scene. As her mother lay dying, Cistaro found a cache of “Letters never sent” in her mother’s house, and though they help Cistaro sift through the wounded memories, there is no tidy reckoning between mother and daughter in this sad cycle of emotional devastation.

February 15, 2015
A debut memoir about a woman's emotionally charged relationship with the mother who walked away from her marriage and family.The youngest of three children, Cistaro was barely out of toddlerhood when her mother got into her Dodge Dart and suddenly drove off. She neither called nor acknowledged her children's birthdays for the first few years of her absence. Only later would she connect with them, but only for short periods of time. When she did, it was often in the company of different men with whom she shared homes as well as alcohol and drugs. Cistaro's mother was constantly-and painfully-"just out of...reach" of the children who craved her love. The author and her brothers became each other's main sources of support, and their father did his imperfect best to hold the family together. However, the children each carried a deep anguish that marked them for life. Both her brothers eventually became substance abusers, while Cistaro narrowly avoided a similar fate. She went on to build a happy, stable marriage and family, but privately, she lived with the constant fear that she carried a "leaving gene" that would cause her to want to abandon her own family. When she learned one Christmas that her mother was dying, all her old fears of being left behind resurfaced. The author went to her mother's side to "hold [the] body" she had not touched since childhood. During her stay, she discovered letters her mother had written but not sent to Cistaro and her brothers. From them, she gained insight into the powerfully contradictory impulses that drove her mother and that often surfaced in herself. The author finally found peace knowing that while her mother ultimately needed to fly free, Cistaro could embrace "the messy, maddening beauty" that responsibilities brought to her life with equanimity and even joy. An honest and affecting story of the many complexities involved with family relationships.

March 15, 2015
When Cistaro was only four, her mother abandoned the family, leaving three young children behind. In this memoir broken into sections depicting Then and Now, Cistarovisiting her dying motherreflects on her own life and her mother's. While looking after her bedridden mother, Cistaro also pores over her mother's unmailed letters, some to her, many to others, and works to develop a picture of a woman who could give up her children to tour Europe, hang out with men and friends, and only occasionally visit the fast-growing, unhappy, troubled youngsters she left behind. This is a tale of seeking and hoping for forgiveness and enlightenment. Cistaro's prose is not maudlin but questing. Though she may not find all the answers she needs, she returns, stronger, to her own family, perhaps understanding her mother's hope of her recognizing . . . the person I am as opposed to the figure I am supposed to represent. A poignant exploration of choices and their reverberations.(Reprinted with permission of Booklist, copyright 2015, American Library Association.)