Perfect Chaos

April 30, 2012
Johnson, diagnosed as bipolar in her 20s, is one of the lucky ones, armed with a caring family, good health insurance, and a strong determination to live, as she describes with her mother in this wrenching story. As she and her mother detail their family’s attempts to make sense of the disorder, it becomes clear that mental illness doesn’t spare even the most loving homes. Between high school and college, Linea shifts from being a happy, thriving, perfectionist to someone overwhelmed by anxiety. At first, her baffled parents believe it’s fixable teenage stress. While away at college, the illness fully takes hold and gradually builds until she feels suicidal. Her parents, worried and exhausted, decide that bringing her back to Seattle is the best way to keep her safe. Despite everyone’s best intentions, Linea’s suicidal thoughts return. Her mantra as she creates a suicide plan is “I want pain, I want blood. I hurt so much.” She ends up in a psychiatric unit, where she agrees to electroconvulsive therapy. The treatments are not a miracle cure, and although months later she overdoses on medication, it’s a cry for help to save her life, and it does. The journey for Linea and her family is a moving and hopeful one, as they better understand how she reacts to the illness, and realize that being bipolar is only a part of someone’s life, not the whole.