The Likeability Trap

August 19, 2019
Menendez, a journalist and the cohost of PBS’s Amanpour and Company, issues a friend-to-friend wake-up call for pathological approval seekers. A recovering people-pleaser who cared far too much about what people thought of her—and knew it was holding her back—Menendez argues that too many women are too invested in their own likability. Meanwhile, women who are “brazenly themselves” saw the detriment to their own careers. So what’s a working woman to do? Learn to navigate, Menendez recommends, walking readers through challenges like the quandary of being seen as either likable but not ambitious, or ambitious but not likable. This nebulous quality, she notes, has historically played a pernicious role as a socially acceptable way of sugarcoating bias. Menendez asserts that women are increasingly angry about encountering such bias, and she has suggestions about what they—and their organizations—can do in response. The description of the problem is perfect; some of the ideas for addressing it, less so—notably, an emphasis on finding “sponsors” (not mentors) to promote one’s work, which some readers might find disempowering. But the chatty, friendly, heart-to-heart tone will be a comfort and an encouragement to women hampered by their desire to be both liked and successful. Agent: Ryan D. Harbage, Fischer-Harbage Agency.

September 15, 2019
There will be a great deal of enthusiastic nodding and audible sighs among women devouring multimedia journalist Menendez's first book. The notion of female likeability has permeated leadership books in the past, but has skyrocketed in management conversations since Hillary Clinton's 2016 presidential defeat. Having experienced the struggle between success and likeability, Menendez documents the related psychological issues, such as the "Goldilocks conundrum," where you're never just right; the perceived luxuries of authenticity and likeability; and the "damned if you do" syndrome, wherein the more successful you are, the less others like you. Her solutions, on the other hand, consume less than half the book and, while practical, lack forcefulness. She prescribes taking care of yourself, pushing for more concrete feedback, finding your people and a sponsor, knowing when it's time to leave, finding opportunities that fit your skills and style; and being aware of who you are. This will stoke camaraderie and genuine outrage among women, and might even make a difference, one person at a time.(Reprinted with permission of Booklist, copyright 2019, American Library Association.)