Two Homes, One Childhood

July 18, 2016
Emery, a family mediator and University of Virginia psychology professor, takes a new look at contemporary child custody arrangements, giving parents a plan designed to grow and change right along with the child. He offers divorced or otherwise separated couples a new mantra—”We have to be parents, so our kids can be kids”—to remind them their child’s needs, not their own, are primary. In “Part I: Parenting Across Two Homes,” Emery lists the pros and cons of shared or joint custody, outlining options and alternatives. He recommends that parents split decisions and time (not necessarily 50/50), maintain low levels of conflict, use “loving” discipline, and set limits. Success lies in a cooperative, businesslike relationship with the ex. Key considerations include “child-focused decisions,” fairness, creativity, and long-term planning. “Part 2: A Developmental Approach to Parenting Plans” comprises six chapters covering the different stages of a child’s life: infancy, toddlerhood, preschool, elementary school, adolescence, and, finally, the college years and beyond. Targeted suggestions steer parents through each phase. Emery’s wide experience with divorcing families informs this volume, making it appropriate for any couple with children going through a separation, whether amicable or contentious. Agent: Beth Vesel, Irene Goodman Literary Agency.

June 1, 2016
How to ensure your child has a good life during and after your divorce.When two parents separate--whatever the reason--the child or children from that relationship are suddenly faced with the massive challenge of living in two different homes. Emery (Psychology and Director, Center for Children, Families, and the Law/Univ. of Virginia; The Truth about Children and Divorce, 2004, etc.) provides guidelines on how to make sure the child's needs and wants are taken care of, regardless of whether it seems fair to the parents. Using ample research and his own experiences, the author shows how the child must come first in any divorce, with each parent supporting the child by giving him or her a safe environment, unconditional love, consistent discipline, and minimal exposure to parental conflicts. He discusses what joint custody really represents from the perspective of the child--this often does not mean an equal number of hours spent with each parent. The concept of 50/50 custody doesn't take into account the child's desires and need to spend time with the parent he or she feels most comfortable around. From infancy through the early school years and into the teens, Emery identifies specific situations for each age level and gives parents the necessary tools to negotiate so that the child always comes first. Whether the issue is breast-feeding, finding the right school, the arrival of new stepparents, or the long distances children sometimes travel in order to see each parent, the author analyzes the arguments each parent might present. Although his delivery is a bit repetitive, Emery's assessment of divorce and its effects on children is spot-on. Parents faced with divorce would do well to bring Emery's book to the table at the next mediation session. Research and common sense back solid strategies that allow children to navigate the ups and downs of divorce with minimal damage.

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