Danger Is Everywhere: A Handbook for Avoiding Danger

felicisowl - Before reading this life-saving book and this review, you would have never thought that DANGER IS EVERYWHERE. You just don't take the time to think that, "Oh no, I better sleep in a bathtub today so I would be safe in case there's a flood!" or, "I should wear my garlic necklaces today in case the sub turns out to be a vampire!" This book is here for that purpose - Docter Noel Zone would like to warn everywhere that the world is full of danger, and he will carefully instruct you how to avoid it in this well-crafted handbook. This is the best handbook I have seen in years - it has precise instructions, pictures to go along with the steps, and surprises that will make you jump out of your seat (why didn't you pick a safe place to sit?) and more! Here are a few things to remember before reading this book (CAUTION, CAUTION): (1) make sure you are reading this book in a secure spot (2) check under the bed or the chair for any suspicious pets that could eat you (3) slowly turn the pages until you get to page 9 (4) stomp on the book until the page 9 scorpion has been squelched (5) sit back down and try to enjoy the book without having to stop reading because it is too frightening. There is an emergency TEPOC (the emergency page of calm) in case you are in urgent need, and another warning is that there are a lot of acronyms in this book. This is because if you are in an emergency (for example: a bear is attacking you) you don't have time to say, "OH MY GOSH A BEAR IS ATTACKING ME HELP SOMEBODY MOMMMYYYYY!" because then you would already be eaten. The correct way to handle a situation like this is to dance and say, "TIABA! TIABA!" (This is a bear alert!) Reader Tip: Put a spare bookmark in the acronym page, you'll need a photographic memory to memorize them all ;) It all started one day when Docter Noel Zone was a lifeguard at a swimming pool. It was a fine day until Docter Noel Zone noticed all the danger that could happen! So he set some new rules into place and no one came to the swimming pool again, but hey, that doesn't matter if you're safe? Right? :thumbs up: Even though Docter Noel Zone's first priority is safety, he knows how to have fun! He's just a regular guy (with extreme safety concerns) with pets, favorite foods, and the whole package! Here's a way to cook toast (Docter Noel's favorite food!) safely! First, put it in the toaster and back away from it. Wait 3 hours and then carefully pry it out from the toaster, using a safety device like toilet paper wrapped around your hands. Put it on your plate and wait another 3 hours. A perfect breakfast -- oops, it's lunch already! And check out some of Docter Noel's dance moves! Here is one dedicated to his pet Dennis, who is a stone! The dance move is called, "The Stone." Instead of "The Worm," which is VERY dangerous indeed, in "The Stone," you just have one not dangerous at all step! It is: (1) lie down carefully and delicately, and stay there with your eyes open as wide as you can. (2) That's it! Docter Noel Zone also tells you how to act in real emergencies! For example, there is a PIRATE on your school bus! (Forewarning: Pirates like to dress up as crossing guards..) (1) Pretend to speak in the language of the Pirates (I already gave away too much, so I'm not telling you this one until you read the book, arrr matey!) (2) Give them a treasure map LEADING AWAY FROM THE BUS. (3) You're a hero! And note of advice, vampires like to dress up as subs (not submarines, the teachers), so watch out if they ride segways! They might be vampires! But the most dangerous vehicle of all is the.....