Why Can't You Shut Up?

November 7, 2005
Everyone quarrels, says clinical psychologist Wolf, but there are ways to prevent arguments from deteriorating into behavior that destroys a relationship. Although grownups are mature, says Wolf, they still retain a "baby self" that wants immediate gratification without stress. It is when someone's baby self, rather than rational self, emerges during a verbal conflict that trouble begins. Using numerous and often humorous sample conversations, the author demonstrates how to circumvent this. When Celia and Lewis disagreed because she had promised they would attend a dinner party and he wanted to spend time with his father, their discussion grew angrier because both used insulting language rather than accepting that they would have to negotiate. Just drop it, says Wolf, disengage and simply leave an argument if you and your partner cannot stick to the basic subject. Wolf (Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me
) also includes sensible advice on how to avoid other baby self pitfalls. such as bringing up past grievances, assigning blame and indulging a need to control. Agent, Joe Spieler.

January 15, 2006
Clinical psychologist Wolf takes some of the principles from his previous books on parenting ( -Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me! -) and applies them to adult relationships. According to Wolf, everyone has a -baby self - who is stubborn, -self-centered, piggy and clueless -; lives in the present; holds grudges from past wronged behavior; and fears aloneness. This baby self wreaks havoc on close relationships by refusing to give up until the other person acknowledges and accepts the spoiled person's point of view and sense of justice. This baby self is not bad -it provides pleasure and spontaneity -but it must be kept in check by the -mature self, - who takes satisfaction in working toward long-term goals and harmonious relationships. Wolf presents strategies for identifying the baby self as well as both useful and nonuseful ways of communicating, arguing, and responding to differences and difficulties. As with his other works, this book is mainly made up of illustrative dialog that reinforces the author's ideas. Wolf's simple approach may not be approved or applauded by everyone, but his guidelines are thought-provoking and insightful. Recommended for public libraries and popular psychology collections." -Lucille M. Boone, San Jose P.L., CA"

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