My Favorite Fangs

June 4, 2012
Goldsher (Paul Is Undead) has devised the perfect book for readers who believe that The Sound of Music needed more caustic vomit, lesbian vampire sex, Nazi Undeath Squads, the ghost of John Coltrane, and copious lashings of gross-out humor. Maria is a vampire and a novice in an order of zombie nuns with names like Chesty LaBumm and Brandi; von Trapp is an alcoholic dubiously played for comedy; and the baroness is a succubus who induces “a stirring” in Maria’s “lady-parts.” Instead of transforming the dreadful von Trapp brood with the joy of learning to sing, Maria turns them into bloodsuckers who perform dire chants and improbable acrobatics for fun and profit. This juvenile parody entirely lacks the grace and wit of other mashups and reeks with contempt for its source material. Sarcastic interludes with famous vampires provide only the slightest relief from the instantly stale jokes. Agent: Jason Allen Ashlock, Movable Type Literary Group.

August 1, 2012
Yet another favorite thing gets the vampire-meets-classic mashup treatment. What do you do with a problem like The Sound of Music? Time has made the irrepressibly catchy Rodgers and Hammerstein tale of a family singing down Nazi oppression ever more sappy and out-of-touch. So while the musical is fair game for parody, Goldsher (Paul Is Undead, 2010, etc.) attacks it with all the subtlety and violence of a chain saw. Tracking the plot of the 1959 film version, Goldsher dutifully makes each scene bloodier and bawdier, if not necessarily funnier. Here, beloved governess Maria, possessed of a pair of fangs and an out-of-control libido, departs Zombie Abbey to manage the overflowing von Trapp household, where dad is a vomit-prone alcoholic, Leisl is ripe for seduction (she's 16 going on 17, after all), Baroness Elsa is a succubus and Nazi Undeath Squads attempt to chase down the von Trapp children after Maria turns them all into vampires. Goldsher's humor tends to trawl every gutter (daughter Marta is renamed Farta, for instance). But sometimes he drags things a step or two above the curb. The "Do-Re-Mi" routine cleverly references acid rain and "a dead deer that's ready to be eaten," characters routinely break down the fourth wall by referencing the musical they inhabit, and interludes feature other fictional vampires (Sesame Street's Count von Count and Twilight's Edward), delivering knowing commentary on genre conventions. There's a cameo from John Coltrane, who elevated "My Favorite Things" from a Broadway showstopper to sublime art; alas, it only prompts Goldsher to move in the opposite direction, with Maria dubbing Coltrane "Chocolate Thunder." Goldsher is narrowly obsessed with making every scene either a romp of PG-13 double-entendres or a blood bath. So long, farewell, auf weidersehen, and fangs for nothing.

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