The Average American Marriage

February 18, 2013
In Kultgen's sequel to The Average American Male, his unnamed narrator is now unhappily married to Alyna and they have two kids, Andy and Jane. Bored in his sexless marriage, the narrator spends his days watching babysitter porn and fantasizing about his officemates. Enter college student Holly McDonnel, 21, the "hottest chick in the place." Predictably, an affair follows. There are keg parties, pot smoking, and a trip to a gay wedding. The narrator runs into trouble when Alyna finds dirty pictures of Holly on his cell phone and kicks him out of the house. There are hardly any surprises here: STD scares, couples counseling, and an eventual reconciliation with Alyna. Derivative, dull, and misogynistic, this is not a satire of modern life; it is a sad book written by a cynical man. The lame attempt at social commentary regarding Facebook, phones, and the younger generation's neediness feels like an old man shaking his fist at the sky. If you want middle-aged men behaving badly or dealing with suburban blahs, read Lolita or White Noise instead.

April 2, 2007
The nameless narrator of this dismal debut is a cynical 20-something living an empty, oversexed existence in L.A. He gets laid more often than he masturbates, plays video games, goes to the gym, sizes up every bitch in sight and, understandably, hates Casey, his vapid wannabe-actress girlfriend who tricks him into agreeing to marry her. He is not happy about this. Adding to his reluctance is his burgeoning "relationship" with hottie Alyna, a UCLA student who-just as Casey is an exaggerated caricature of What Men Don't Want-is the Dream Girl who likes video games and porn-style sex. (Also, Casey has a "fat ass" whereas Alyna has a "perfect ass.") When he dumps Casey for Alyna, miserable Casey declares she's pregnant, a suspicious claim that nonetheless makes Alyna bolt. A pedestrian confrontation gets Casey out of the narrator's hair and Alyna back into his bed, but now that he's got the dream girl, he has an epiphany: "every bitch I ever fuck will ultimately become any other bitch I've ever fucked." Despite the book's purported "brutal honesty," the premise is essentially: guys like sex and dislike cuddling.