The Average American Marriage

February 18, 2013
In Kultgen's sequel to The Average American Male, his unnamed narrator is now unhappily married to Alyna and they have two kids, Andy and Jane. Bored in his sexless marriage, the narrator spends his days watching babysitter porn and fantasizing about his officemates. Enter college student Holly McDonnel, 21, the "hottest chick in the place." Predictably, an affair follows. There are keg parties, pot smoking, and a trip to a gay wedding. The narrator runs into trouble when Alyna finds dirty pictures of Holly on his cell phone and kicks him out of the house. There are hardly any surprises here: STD scares, couples counseling, and an eventual reconciliation with Alyna. Derivative, dull, and misogynistic, this is not a satire of modern life; it is a sad book written by a cynical man. The lame attempt at social commentary regarding Facebook, phones, and the younger generation's neediness feels like an old man shaking his fist at the sky. If you want middle-aged men behaving badly or dealing with suburban blahs, read Lolita or White Noise instead.

January 15, 2013
The narrator from Kultgen's earlier novel (The Average American Male, 2007) is back--if anyone is interested. Kultgen's title makes it clear that his narrator is now married. His wife is the long-suffering Alyna, and they also have the requisite two kids, Andy and Jane. But how anyone could marry this self-centered, sexually-obsessed and irresponsible slimeball strains our credulity. Our family man is working a dead-end job doing not much of anything. His marriage is dull, his children are boring, and his main concern is that he's not getting any. Alyna is also concerned about their marriage's monotony, and they try some marriage counseling, but it doesn't take. Things take a turn for the better (from the narrator's point of view) when he hires lubricious 21-year-old Holly as an intern, and it's clear these two are eventually going to mate like otters. Holly has gotten her sex education from Internet porn, something our Average American Male knows quite well. She's also well-versed in how the modern woman uses social media, so when she sends compromising photographs that the AAM receives on his cellphone, he's both delighted and turned on...until Alyna discovers the photos and kicks him out. For a while, he lives in a hotel room and visits Holly in her dorm room, barely finding his way through the haze of marijuana smoke. Eventually (and predictably), she also begins to find the narrator tiresome, and he tries to reconcile with Alyna, who has hired a self-described "shark" as a divorce lawyer. Even if Kultgen intends this as satire, it's hard to believe anyone can develop an interest in such a narcissistic, unsympathetic and downright odious narrator--one who makes Shallow Hal look like Heathcliff.

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