Brothers, Sisters, Strangers

December 7, 2020
Chapman (Motherland) chronicles her efforts to mend a decades-long split with her older brother, Scott, in this moving tale. In 1990, when she was in her mid-30s and her brother Scott in his early 40s, Chapman writes, her brother abruptly stopped speaking to her. They didn’t communicate for two decades, until Chapman’s mother encouraged her to reach out. In reconnecting, it became clear that she and Scott, who were emotionally abused and neglected by a “tyrannical father” and an “unknowable mother” who survived the Holocaust, had to reckon with shared childhood trauma, determine whether their relationship could be saved, and reestablish trust. (As to the cause of their rift, Scott said he didn’t know why he cut things off.) The nature of sibling estrangement, Chapman writes, is different from that of estrangement from a parent, as it engenders a loss “so deep that it alters who we are and what we become” and “feels like a chronic rejection and betrayal.” Chapman’s at her best when speaking about the vulnerability required of both sister and brother to repair their relationship. This reflective tale both captivates and educates.

March 1, 2021
Estrangement from a sibling can be psychologically fraught--and reconciliation even more so. Journalist and writer Chapman opens with the revelation that for almost 40 years, she and her older brother did not speak. "I can't recall a specific fight or incident that led to our estrangement," she writes. "We simply didn't have much to say to each other, and in time, we said nothing at all." Decades later, she began to search for connection. Such estrangement, she observes, is something that seems nearly incomprehensible. Everyone understands divorce and parent-child friction, but a gulf between siblings is a mark of failure: "If she can't maintain a relationship with her own brother, is she capable of sustaining any relationship?" Finally making contact, she discovered, in a revelation whose details are forthcoming in fragments, that the real alienation was between her brother and her "tyrannical" father, with whom she got along better than her brother did. Her brother self-medicated and hid himself away. The fact of a breach is not unusual, writes the author; sibling relationships are fluid, "dynamic and sometimes volatile, with peaks and valleys." An argument over some simple thing--who will host a holiday dinner, say--can lead to years of silence. According to one survey of adults ages 18 to 65, "only 26 percent enjoyed a healthy sibling relationship characterized by frequent contact and low competitiveness." Maintaining the separation, Chapman writes, can be as psychologically difficult as the initial breach, and mending it even harder. She suggests being very careful of monitoring each other on social media, a source of division among the healthiest of us, and stresses the importance of overcoming self-imposed exile. After finally rebuilding some of the lost relationship with her brother, Chapman offers a few pointers: Maintain boundaries, avoid hot-button topics, and know when to switch to another subject or walk away from a squabble. A primer in mending familial fences blended with an affecting memoir.

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March 5, 2021

Chapman (Motherland) explores the pain of sibling estrangement in this guide, which she describes as part memoir and part sociological examination. The author begins by recalling her attempts to reconnect with her brother, whom she had seen only in passing for decades. Chapman details a personal account of pain, reconnection, and reconciliation and provides helpful advice for others dealing with estrangement. To understand her own struggle, Chapman embarked on years of independent research, and even conducted a global survey of others who have experienced sibling estrangement. This well-researched book covers some especially precarious issues facing estranged families, including navigating holidays, reunions, and social media. Chapman also considers the impact of alcohol and drug addiction on sibling dynamics and relationships, and even discusses irreparable situations where reconnection may not be possible. What sets the book apart is its refreshingly honest approach to exploring the stigma of family dysfunction and estrangement, which isn't as uncommon (Chapman estimates that one in 10 people have severed contact with a sibling). VERDICT Readers experiencing a family rift might find hope and comfort in Chapman's personal story and advice.--Jennifer Clifton, Indiana State Lib., Indianapolis

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