The Forgiving Self

January 1, 2001
This latest book by psychologist Karen (Becoming Attached) demonstrates just how well a Western psychoanalytic approach can illuminate the true complexity of an act and attitude that traditionally gets pitched into bins marked "spiritual" or "moral"--beyond the realm of the personality. "Forgiveness is an aspect of the workings of love," Karen writes. "It can be a bridge back from hatred and alienation as well as a liberation from two kinds of hell: bitterness and victimhood on one side; guilt, shame, and self-recrimination on the other." Using details from his clinical practice and popular culture, Karen depicts how this liberating reconnection with others and with the world can occur only as we learn to reconnect with ourselves. But the price of this reconnection, he advises, is the willingness to mourn. Mourning the losses and disappointments of childhood--and voluntarily losing all the unconscious beliefs we came up with to make sense of our pain--is the price we must pay to fully connect with ourselves. True forgiveness, Karen drums home, can only be the result of serious inner work: "The forgiving self is in possession of itself." Karen's notion of our possible liberation and happiness is modest compared to many of the spiritual guides to life hitting bestseller lists, for he never ventures beyond the gratification that can be won as we gradually expand our "zone of connection." Yet this book would make a salutary companion to those more sweeping, seemingly more profound books, showing readers the real effort required for this apparently simple act, revealing anew how far and deep that effort can take us. (Jan. 16) Forecast: As nearly everyone suffers from resentment, this book could reach many readers. However, it won't appeal to those looking for instant solutions, nor to those seeking a larger spiritual or ethical context for forgiveness, and it likely won't enjoy extraordinary sales in a market that leans heavily toward spiritually fortified psychotherapy.

February 1, 2001
\deflang1033\pard\plain\f3\fs24 Regardless of a person's age, forgiveness can be one of the most difficult acts to perform. It would seem maturity would make it easier, but Dr. Karen says that as we get older, our resentments become more entrenched and forgiveness is even harder to imagine, let alone achieve. The people whom we may need to forgive can be a wide circle; it most likely includes parents, former spouses, siblings, and other relatives. Karen shows how loss (especially in early childhood) and resentment build up a wall that can make forgiveness impossible. However, Karen shows that it is possible and necessary to forgive the transgressions of ourselves and others. (Reprinted with permission of Booklist, copyright 2001, American Library Association.)