Why Won't You Apologize?

October 1, 2016

Psychologist Lerner (The Dance of Anger) delves into the power of apologies. Done right, they heal and heighten intimacy. Done wrong (or not at all), they can destroy bonds and in some cases retraumatize. Lerner explains why it is hard to apologize, why it is excruciating to hear silence or defensiveness in lieu of an apology, and how to vulnerably and responsibly say, "I'm sorry." The book is written to be easily accessible to the nonclinician. Those familiar with current psychology, however, will recognize Lerner's alignment with clinicians John Gottman and Sue Johnson. We are connected, we will screw up, and we can repair disagreements through de-escalation with sincere remorse. Most wonderfully, Lerner tackles absent apologies that hurt and demoralize. She considers forgiving vs. letting go and shows readers how to have one without the other. Her book is on par with Janis Abrahams Spring's How Can I Forgive You? and a valuable addition to the forgiveness literature. VERDICT Highly recommended for mental health professionals and anyone struggling to offer an apology, hoping for one, or wishing to move on--with or without forgiving.--Jennifer M. Schlau, Elgin Community Coll., IL

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