The Elf off the Shelf

"I honestly did believe this shelf gig was going to be great. 'Get out and see the world,' they said. 'Experience the joy of wide-eyed kids, holiday cheer, and the Christmas spirit,' they promised. 'Finally leave your parents' basement for once in two hundred and sixty-seven years,' they told me. I was sold. And off I went. As a member of Santa's spy squad, I headed down south for the holidays to help the big guy decide who's naughty and who's nice. It was going to be a wonderful change of pace from the screwing, hammering, sanding, painting, and wrapping happening in Ol' St. Nick's workshop. Or so I thought . . ." —Horace the Elf