Passing Judgment

September 25, 2017
Praise can be as dangerous as blame in personal relationships, according to this exhaustively documented, uneven study from psychologist Apter (What Do You Want from Me?). Apter spends the book’s first half building the case for how blame and praise shape individuals. She walks the reader through child development, in a section that reads like an exhaustive psychology class with excellent explanations but little storytelling. The more reader-friendly second half details how judgments play out in intimate, work, and social-media spheres. For instance, a workplace compliment of a woman’s shoes sounds innocent but has demeaning undertones. Even the phrase “you’re so thoughtful” isn’t always as warm and fuzzy as it sounds. Such observations school the reader in the multilayered world of praise. Apter does the same for blame by detailing two negative performance reviews: one employee learned from criticism and the other wholly rejected it. Her insights into social media are some of the book’s most interesting, such as that people constantly checking Facebook aren’t feeding a device addiction but looking for “satisfactory feedback.” But this isn’t a book with answers. Readers who make it through the hard-going first half should profit from Apter’s message, which isn’t to avoid judgment, but to “understand and reflect” on it.

November 15, 2017
Examination of how our inherent need for appreciation and acceptance can be sabotaged by incrimination and criticism.Personally and professionally fascinated by relational judgments for over three decades, British psychologist Apter (Difficult Mothers: Understanding and Overcoming Their Power, 2012, etc.) explores the nature of praise and blame and how our predisposition to be judgmental of ourselves and others stems from the evolution of the human brain and the progression of interactive social discourse. The author writes that our sensitivities to praise and blame begin as infants able to "mindsight" and detect purpose and feelings in facial signals. She analyzes the importance of praise in reinforcing confidence in early child development and how it can aid in building brain circuits via the natural highs induced by oxytocin and endorphins. Apter dutifully acknowledges that teenagers can be the toughest to praise, as motivations and perceived patronization come into play, and she provides evidence with her observational research case findings. Conversely, the side effects of blame are painful and emotionally and physically burdensome for individuals of any age as well as for family members. The simple pursuit of praise and the careful avoidance of blame can be emblematic of larger social issues, Apter notes, especially in the context of social media engagement and the competitiveness between siblings or co-workers. In more thoroughly described studies, the author discusses the dynamics of friendships differentiated by gender, or how rejection, a lack of positive reinforcement, and mismanaged blame can foster infidelity in romantic couples. "The demand to be the best ushers in a cascade of anxieties," she writes, offering an interesting assessment of the various judgment systems active in many contemporary families. In noting that "we live, day by day, in the constant company of our judgments," Apter counsels that mindfulness and inward reflection can lessen the encumbrances of judgment.Thoughtful discourse on the workings of praise and blame that will be particularly helpful to readers sensitive to scrutiny.

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November 15, 2017
Apter (Difficult Mothers, 2012) adds to her canon of nonfiction books about relationships, identity, and family dynamics with this survey of the shaping effects of praise and blame in various life stages (infant, teen, adult) and relationships (familial, romantic, professional, and among peers). Drawing on years of work as a psychologist, Apter leans on theory and her own experiments to affirm some standing beliefs related to praise/blame judgments while challenging others. Praise, for example, can disincentivize if it calls attention to intelligence rather than effort. Blame-avoidance designed to protect our egos can also prevent us from absorbing crucial lessons. Apter's goal, illustrated by a series of self-interrogating questions, is to teach readers to use praise and blame as growth mechanisms by developing awareness of how and why judgments are formed. Knowing a family's judgement system allows parents and children to make the most of the praise and blame they give and receive. Readers interested in psychological theory will be compelled by this book, as will all readers who just want to be better versions of themselves.(Reprinted with permission of Booklist, copyright 2017, American Library Association.)