Cain's Legacy

November 1, 2011
A psychotherapist identifies how unresolved, destructive sibling rivalries play a special role in our adult lives, shaping both our sense of identity and how we deal with work, marriage and parenthood. Safer (Death Benefits: How Losing a Parent Can Change an Adult's Life—For the Better, 2008, etc.) suggests that Sigmund Freud, a favored son, was unable to deal with his own guilt toward his sister. In his opinion, this left him blind-sided when he probed the crucial role of childhood experience and developed his theories about the Oedipus conflict, penis envy, etc. Today, writes the author, a shift in psychotherapy has occurred "from intrapsychic processes to interpersonal transactions," which has led to more consideration of the importance of sibling relationships. Safer provides anecdotes—taken from case studies, interviews, experiences related to her by friends and her own disturbed relationship with her brother—to provide a road map to help readers identify the hidden dynamics within families. She also gives examples of successful efforts to achieve reconciliation between adult siblings—with and without professional help—and calls attention to pitfalls that can short circuit the sometimes-slow process of building a healthy new relationship. In families, not only may certain children be favored, creating guilt on the one hand and animosity on the other, but parents may unwittingly chose favorites on the basis of their own unresolved sibling relationships. Safer references the biblical stories of Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau and Joseph and his brothers to show how such intergenerational conflicts can persist but also be resolved. She also offers several contemporary examples of successful reconciliation efforts. An important contribution to the self-help bookshelf.

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December 1, 2011

The biblical sibling strife of Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau, Leah and Rachel, and Joseph and his brothers dramatizes family problems that afflict one-third of Americans, according to psychotherapist Safer (Death Benefits: How Losing a Parent Can Change an Adult's Life--for the Better). The author interviews 60 people whose stories illustrate themes of jealousy, competition, money, illness, and communication. Reconciliation happens, but tension and estrangement seem to dominate and persist in these relationships, mostly the fault of parents, including those who (mistakenly) think they can distribute love equally. Safer calls that a "false leveler," since all kids have individual qualities. She advises readers: "Addressing unfinished business with one's own siblings is the best way to foster mutuality in the next generation." Many detailed, melodramatic cases dominate the book. The relatively brief advice is sensible, but more examples of happy sibling relationships would have helped. VERDICT A useful text for lay and professional readers about a common but neglected relationship problem.--E. James Lieberman, George Washington Univ. Sch. of Medicine, Washington, DC

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