Intimacy & Desire

Starred review from October 12, 2009
Readers sick of typical glossy-magazine self-help patter about reigniting romance, or the droning pomposity of most author-experts, will be pleasantly surprised with psychologist and sex therapist Schnarch (Passionate Marriage). He immediately catches readers' attention by agreeing that the common "just do it" approach to solving sexual problems is not only ineffective, but often results in one partner responding with a decisive "Don't tell me what to do!" That kind of understanding produces a number of unexpected bombshells-including "Marriage does kill desire"-which produce an uncanny effect: getting couples to stop and reconsider their emotions, quit blaming each other, and start to think (and act) differently regarding sexual situations, behaviors and attitudes. The book's flaws are more aggravating than genuinely problematic-a tendency to lean on jargon and trademark key phrases ("Four Points of Balance(tm)")-but O'Neill breaks down complex issues with loosely-drawn real life examples, illustrating the dramatic and fundamental changes that occur when couples have a greater understanding of desire, monogamy and the brain. The process is neither easy nor quick, but Schnarch's confidence is contagious.

January 29, 2010
Licensed clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist Schnarch (Passionate Marriage) believes that too often when people marry, their partners become more important to them than they are to themselves, which leads to a lack of real intimacy and thus a lack of sexual desire. He breaks the problem down into four parts, looking at why normal people have sexual desire problems, how to co-evolve through sexual desire problems, how your personal life fits in, and using your body to co-evolve in bed. Readers are encouraged to work on their own emotional maturity in order to improve their marriage. The author does not deal here with low sexual desire caused by medical problems (look, instead, to one of his earlier books, Resurrecting Sex).Verdict This is not a quick or simple approach to intimacy; it is challenging, comprehensive, and eye-opening. Those who are married, hoping to be married, and looking to stay married will find it invaluable and approachable.-Mary E. Jones Reference Librarian, Los Angeles P.L.

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