I Heart My Little A-Holes

April 1, 2014
Rants on the messier side of raising children. If your sense of humor is not stimulated by crass, expletive-filled, snarky comments on the bodily functions of babies and toddlers, then do not bother with this book. If, however, you like to be bombarded by frequent expletives, elaborate descriptions of poop and vomit, derogatory comments on parents and children, and find this hilarious, then feel free to romp through the vulgar meanderings Alpert has compiled from her blog on raising her two children. Although she provides a disclaimer that she loves them to pieces, the author complains about just about everything in regard to her kids, albeit in a semiwitty way. For instance, she discusses the stuff you need and don't need to purchase for that new arrival; taking your two young children to the restroom when "you thought keeping one kid's hands out of the frigging tampon trash can in the public restroom sucked"; and traveling with two little kids--"now that I have two little rug rats in tow, going to the airport is worse than being waterboarded." Or dealing with other mothers: "I'm sick of moms trying to make other moms feel like shit....Moms bragging. Moms being all Judgy McJudgy. Moms giving other moms assholey looks." Since humor is subjective, many readers may, in fact, "laugh until they pee in their pants a little," while others may find the sarcastic use of the F-word irritating and excessive, the descriptions of messy diapers just plain gross, and the whole series of blog posts and chapter headings--e.g., "Allllllll the ways my body is different (i.e., sucks balls) after carrying two poop machines"; "An open letter to my vajayjay"--off-putting. Definitely not for the faint of heart, Alpert's zingers will make you either hoot and holler or cringe. Completely over-the-top, scattered, only occasionally funny parenting humor. Pick up Robin O'Bryant or Jill Smokler instead.

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