Lessons of Lifelong Intimacy

March 16, 2015
Marriage counselor Gurian (The Wonder of Aging) explains his theory of “intimate separateness” as the key to healthy long-term relationships. The theory draws comparisons between the parent/child bond and the bond between lovers, establishing the need to cultivate space and boundaries lest individuals become “dangerously merged.” He cites typical relationship pitfalls like fear of abandonment, projection, and power struggles, suggesting various psychological tools and distancing tactics as solutions. A chapter on the inherent differences between male and female brains suggests the need to “embrace rather than avoid innate differences” and make use of the “male brain’s proclivity for increased separateness.” Quizzes allow readers to assess the current state of their relationships, and to look out for “bad marital habits” and trouble signs. Contro-
versially, Gurian argues that “lack of
emotional fulfillment may not be enough reason to divorce” and blames feminism for creating a fissure between the sexes. He denies entirely the continued existence of patriarchal constructs in Western society, even stating ludicrously that “society has degraded males over the last 50 years.” The author almost certainly has it right that most relationships could be bettered by partners cultivating space for their own lives, but his ideas on gender politics are simply mistaken. Agent: Bonnie Solow, Solow Literary Enterprises Inc.

May 15, 2015

Marriage and family counselor Gurian (The Wonder of Aging) presents a fresh approach to couples therapy. Instead of focusing on enhancing interpersonal intimacy skills, Gurian explains the benefits of creating a lifelong balance of closeness and separateness. His counterintuitive idea encourages becoming separate from a loved one in order to become closer. The author explains how his approach can produce equilibrium between the natural human need for attachment and intimacy and psychological separateness. He further expands this method with numerous practical examples and details the benefits of establishing this type of emotional balance in a relationship. Also helpful is his 12-stage model of intimate separateness; his suggested long-term goals and focal points for dialog that can help couples work through their arguments; and information on how males and females generally differ in their need for intimacy and how these differences can impact a relationship. The author includes numerous case studies that exemplify his perspective. VERDICT Gurian's material is thoroughly considered and explained and will appeal to most lay readers. While the author is a marriage and family counselor, not a clinical psychologist or a licensed counselor, professional, academic, and research psychologists will still find this title a solid supplemental resource in their practice.--Dale Farris, Groves, TX

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