Grief Is a Journey

February 22, 2016
“Loss is universal, but our reactions to it are not,” according to this solid manual from grief counselor Doka. He goes on to write that “grief is not an illness you get over” but a “journey,” the goal of which is to assimilate the loss, not to distance or separate oneself from it. His theory provides a less prescriptive, more descriptive alternative to the two predominant models of grief: Kubler-Ross’s five stages and “it gets a little better every day.” Everyone experiences grief differently, but there are “four major patterns of grieving—heart grievers, head grievers, heart + head grievers, and heart v. head grievers.” The book begins by describing this view of grief and loss and dispelling common myths. Next follows a discussion of common reactions to the deaths of different family members—of parent, spouse, child, or sibling. Then, the book takes on “disenfranchised losses” less likely to elicit sympathy and support from others—which, as one story shared here demonstrates, can even include the death of an adult sibling. The book concludes with concrete ways to help oneself, such as establishing rituals, and contains guidelines for when to seek extra help. Well supported by footnotes, this is a useful and reassuring resource. Agent: Jennifer Gates, Zachary Shuster Harmsworth.